Israel is chock full of Jews

This Christian Nation

This "Christian" nation is also so incredibly racist, if anyone gets in the way of their hatred and incredible ability to keep people down, they just get shot and killed. How arrogant to think we're any better than Russia or Europe in wartime or especially slave traders in this country. There was a time when it was legal to hate Black people. They didn't have to sneak around with ropes on their back heading for trees in the town square. And let's face it, that's only been illegal less than fifty years. As apposed to now when it's still, too often, dealt with in kangaroo courts by twisted judges. And and if we can face the truth, all this wasn't and is still not carried out by people making a fashion statement in their white sheets, or Democrats Maybe Southern Democrats or Dixiecrats as they were once called. I'm not picking on people from the south. The southerners I've ever known have been nice decent people. Racism and violence (and I doubt anyone would dispute that racism is violent), is a nationwide disease. Our very vital job now is to change our minds, our heart and admit we have a soul worth saving because when we hold onto to senseless, useless hatred, our mind stops our heart rots and our souls decay. When that happens, even God can't help us, and all our being born again and hallelujahs is not going to change her mind. And the whole moral of this? Save our country, Vote For Obama!!!

It ain't over till the fat lady freaks

It's September, 2012 and it seems that everything I do revolves around politics. I eat, drink and sleep liberal platitudes. So far my husband hasn't mentioned anything about me repeating lines from DNC speeches in my sleep, but it's just a matter of time. I've watched the whole convention about 5 times so far, leaving out commentaries of course. I don't listen to anyone's commentaries except those in my head. Some people may say that that is off the map crazy, but I think I'm very clever and witty and I make me laugh. Well actually I rarely make myself laugh, it's the material I steal from my facebook friends that make me laugh. I have surrounded myself with Democrats on facebook. That's not to say ALL my friends are liberal. I'm sure there are at least two that are not. But they don't talk about it to me, probably because they are afraid I will go off on them. My husband and I have some friends who are quite conservative and we never talk politics and that is smart. I remember reading an article about about James Stewart and Henry Fonda who were life long friends. When asked how they managed to stay good friends even though they were of different faiths (no big deal, I don't think) and politically incompatible,(totally) they said they never talked religion or politics. And clearly that worked for them and my husband and I are happy to follow their lead. The hard part comes in when others are not so amicable. Occasionally one of our friends will say something a little prejudiced or let's face it, snotty, about our President and it's hard to keep quiet although when aimed at me, if looks could at least wound, they'd have band-aids all over their fascist little faces. This is very nerve racking for me because I worry about the outcome of this election more than I have worried about any other outcome in any election. I used to say that if he could, Romney would get us into a war with England or France. Well I was kidding. Then he went to England and France. Oh wait that's not right, his visit to France was during the Vietnam war when he was actually dodging the draft and trying to persuade the unwilling French to buy into his religion. The French are traditionally Catholic and they don't even buy into that religion but Mitt was going to try to talk them into a more fanatical, less credible one . But that's beside the point. Hopefully the French don't have a great memory for details about religious nutjobs. And the English do have a good sense of humor, dry, but good. However, I doubt they'd be laughing when they are obligated to support us in another useless, senseless war with a country they are much closer to than we are. But I'm not really worried about England, I'm worried about us. The USA and in particular, my ass. I have no desire to go back to the 1930's when the only people who had it good were the wealthy white ones and Robert Welch Jr. was probably cooking up his ideas for the John Birch Society and the KKK was not really a BAD thing. I know this is dramatic but it's just some of the things I'm afraid of. The good news is it's not over. I'm a pessimist and I continually dwell on the worst scenerio and it's not necessary to fret yet. There are more and more people, it seems, who are leaning toward Obama and the chances of his winning is greater now then it was 3 weeks ago. And just when I get confident that good will triumph and evil will be beaten down, it occurs to me that THEY CHEAT!!! Will they get away with voter fraud? Will enough people give Ann Coulter credence and believe that it's the democrats who commit voter fraud and not the Republicans? What we need to do is spread the word. Talk about it to the dimwits, oops! I mean the nice undecideds. Get out the message that people must register to vote and if you are in a state that requires a picture ID, take people without one to get a state ID or whatever they can do to register. Because it's not over yet. It's not over till the fat lady sings, or in my case, freaks.

I love all my friends but....

Those of you who make anti Obama comments on my posts, that's ok, it's what you believe and I didn't, believe me, know that I had friends who make that much money that a Romney presidency would benefit you. But I can't help see, that you are not only selling your souls but you haven't educated yourselves enough to know that this combo of president, vice president and house, would damage our coun try beyond compare, worse than any administration in the history of the US. And unless you are without a country and globally rarely than morally invested, like the Koch brothers, you will be so sorry. Don't let your pro life beliefs make it ok for millions of others to die. Don't let your fear of paying for others medical care kill millions of elderly people. And, for God's sake, don't let your love of money fool you into thinking it was Obama who who spent us into our current situation. It was Bush. And it is a greedy useless Senate and Congress who won't let Obama do anything to correct it. And DON'T take my word for it. It's out there. Look it up. The information is out there, at your fingertips primarily in the bible if you give that any credence. It's common sense that you're ultimately going to hurt yourselves more than anyone else. This is not the Republican Party of Yesteryear. Today's Republican party is one of greed and ignorance. And if you want to help to ruin other's lives, well that's between you and your God. Look at the facts and explore your conscience. It's up to you to do the right thing. No one can make you do it. No one can hand you a heart. It's in you. Please, find it.

Middle Age

I turned sixty years old this year. Sixty, and 24 of those years I spent living with HIV. I understand that this is a different age in the process of the disease and that it is now considered, like diabetes, a chronic yet manageable disease and I am, believe me, relieved and grateful about that. Twenty four years ago this was not the case. When I was diagnosed, AZT had just been approved by the FDA. It was the first, and at the time, only treatment known and it was considered toxic, meaning that the cure could kill you faster than the disease. My mother, God bless her, schlepped me around to every support group known to Chicago and eventually ended up at ACT-UP where I learned how to get arrested properly during the upcoming protest to promote awareness of HIV/AIDS. Needless to say Mom freaked, she really did not want met to get arrested and have my face splashed on the evening news. So, she put her nose to the proverbial grindstone and took on the task of finding a cure or at least some kind of action against this thing that didn't involve getting arrested while while sitting on my ass, holding a sign and hollering mean things about the President of the United States. (she didn't seem to mind the idea so much when I was protesting the Vietnam war) I mean lets face it, the awareness thing wasn't working out for her under these circumstances. I remember listening to her on the phone one day, talking to Dr. Jonas Salk. I mean shut up!, she not only got through to Dr. Salk himself but was encouraging him to continue his quest for a cure and telling him to hurry up about it, we didn't seem to have a whole lifetime to wait around. It was an awful, uncertain, scary time for her and of course for me. I lived for some time, waiting for my cue to die which I supposed would be of an opportunistic disease such as PCP which my husband had recently died of. So I was eating healthy (aw Maaaaa!!), taking tranquilizers and living in a haze, on the cloud of 'This Cannot Be Happening To ME!!!!' Consequently, I missed a very important period in the process of my mental and emotional development. Middle Age. Yeah, ok I know this sounds funny. No one looks forward to middle age, it doesn't have a great reputation and in the middle thirties it's way to close for comfort. But worse, believe me, I know what I'm talking about, is waking up at fifty and realizing you missed it. Totally missed it! What happened to those 'last chance' years in which you really want to grow your hair long one more time, travel with a girlfriend,have fun being relatively young. Most important, pay attention to every little second of your child's, well, childhood, his middle years, his adolescence Oh I was there, I remember it, I appreciate it, but I will always feel that I, and therefore he, missed a big chunk of the living it. The carefree chunk when he gets to live without that nagging feeling, deep down, that something is just not right not only in the world but with his mother. Don't get me wrong, I was a great mother, I appreciated every little bit of grace that came my way and his. I moved in with my parents and that was great, they were wonderful to us. They dove into my sons life and became his 'nuclear' family. They got him ready for school, read to him every night and listened to and nurtured him while I managed to get my degree and go to work. And while I bumped into walls, my own emotional ones and literally the drywall in the house. I don't regret a minute of my life with my parents, sharing my sons great years and nurturing the memory of his father so that one day, when he figured this all out, he would not have bad feelings toward the man who had given him life and I swear to God,I never once referred to as a sperm donor. I didn't have much of a social life and pretty much respected my parents in what seemed to be there wish that one must know what happened, what I had, and that I really didn't have that much in common with the gay guys I ran with but this was my experimentation with being a Hag and why not? My husband was dead and at my age.....But in the meantime regardless of how it appeared to the world at large, much was lost and when I give into the urge to think about me, what I went through, and what I lost, I was sad. But back to the old, 'jeez, I'm fifty, how the fuck did that happen and where did my life go?' I am brought right back to feelings that I lost middle age. And it was time to move on and deal with that deprivation. Sometime in my late forties, it was determined that, what my father had suspected all along, was true and that I am one of the ten percent of people living with HIV in which the virus does not progress and I should, God and this crazy world willing, live a long and normal (yes Ilene and Jan and all my dear girlfriends, I did say normal and yes I can hear you laughing your heads off)life. But as hard as I tend to avoid the idea, there's no getting away from the fact that there is a virus running around my body and stopping occasionally to say 'hey you, remember me, I'm still here and I'm going to fuck with you a little bit because I CAN! When that happens I will notice a big red spot on my shoulder or something else really benign or, and this did happen once, my blood platelets take a dive so deep that I'm in danger of bleeding to death. I suppose the Drs. explanation for that kind of thing would have been something like, "gee we're not sure what the problem was but she did have HIV for 20 something years." But now I'm alive and sometime in the last ten years forgot to cut my hair. No honestly, I did. People do say to me, some incessantly, Louisa, why don't you cut your hair, you're sixty years old, it's time. But I don't think it's a big deal. I wear my graying hair up in a wrapped around pony and I don't feel like I'm an old lady pretending to be young. And guess what? With my hair up and looking like my grandma's used to, I get to show off the tattoo on the back of my neck. And people, I'll admit usually ones under thirty, think that the Claddagh stamped on the back of my neck is so cool and I agree, it is cool. Maybe it's a little immature but at least it's not on my lower back between my butt crack and my quickly vanishing waist. And to be honest, the blue outline of that tattoo matches perfectly the blue Saphire stud in my nose, so ya see? It's all good. So, in conclusion, now I'm a sort of aged lady (as in fine wine) with gray hair well under my bra strap but above my waist, a tattoo on my neck and a ring in my nose. Would I have done these things in my late thirties or early forties, were I lucky enough to have a relatively normal life? Had I had an uneventful middle age (I just can't let go of that can I)? I can, in all honesty say that before the shit hit the fan, though I was having a pretty good life, I was a little nuts anyway, and I don't think that anyone who knew me back then, would tell you any different. All in all at the end of the day I am healthy as a horse, I have a wonderful son, a wonderful husband, loving friends who save my sanity on a daily basis, and an appreciation of life that's just awesome. Oh and a gorgeous head of hair, that doesn't quite match my chronological age, along with said nose ring and tattoo, but so what? I can't get arrested. Or haven't so far. We shall see what happens in the next decade, if I decide to grow up or grow old. Right now I am open to the possibility of both. This blog is dedicated to Monika, whose memory is a constant reminder that I was loved in the sweetest, most non-judgmental and purest way I ever could have hoped for.

Dark Age of Mental Illness

feel that I have to have a disclaimer in this post due to the chilling events in Colorado last week. I am by no means making a judgement on anybody.  This is simply my opinion with some facts thrown in.
Medical professionals have suspected for a century and known for decades, that the instance of schizophrenia and in some cases bipolar disorder, is a physical disease with emotional and mental ramifications.  It is widely believed to be of a genetic and biological nature.  The MRI results in people who have schizophrenia and in some cases bipolar disorder, show that there is a marked difference in the size of their Ventricles and a significant loss of gray matter (up to 25%)  The symptoms can consist of Audio Hallucinations which can also extend to visual hallucinations.  The adults I have worked with who suffered from Schizophrenia have reported to me that they often heard voices in their heads telling them what to do, sometimes what to say and plant imaginary ideologies in their head telling them that they are a member of the CIA and must be very careful and suspicious of us ‘regular folk’  It is my understanding, partly from the news (such a reliable source) and partly from Psychology Today which I believe is a pretty reliable source.  This being said, how is it the courts totally ignore what has been learned and reported for years and years as if they are too simple to understand these basic facts.  As I’ve said I’m not going to discuss the incident in Aurora CO because physical and emotional wounds are still fresh.  It’s not that it’s too soon, it will always be too soon, I’m speaking out of respect.
Let me, then go back in time to Son Of Sam, David Berkowitz, a serial killer in the mid-seventies who arbitrarily shot and killed or maimed a number of people mostly young and mostly women, and Mark David Chapman, the guy who shot and killed John Lennon.  Both these men had a history of fighting demons in their heads.  Mark Chapman confessed to having a conversation with a demon, one of the many that followed him through his young adulthood, as he waited in front of the Dakota building waiting for John to come home from a recording session.  The demon was telling him ‘do it, do it’ while something else in his head told him ‘not a good idea’  I think we know who won that argument.  He was declared by several Psychiatrists that he was fit to stand trial.  In spite of clear evidence that he had a pretty heavy duty psychotic breakdown he did stand trial.  He withstood the trial and was even able to remember and recite speeches that obviously his attorney’s believed would help his case. His penalty was life in prison with parole. He has received a very limited amount of mental health care in the years he has been incarcerated. David Berkowitz was not only possessed by a demon but it was the demon who had previously been occupying his neighbors dog. Sent him to prison and throw away the key, he knew what he was doing, right? Wrong. He was sentenced to life with parole. I am, of course, not saying that these men should have been released into the world, I am saying that a facility for the criminally insane with mandatory psychiatric, psychological and chemical treatment may have been a better way to go especially since they both may be released into society without the benefit of treatment. And I personally don’t think this is the worst of it. It’s blowing off much of what we actually know about Mental Illness. These consequences were, or are, dire But let’s get down to the nitty gritty that is the horror of our judicial system. Aileen Wuornos.
I am totally against the death penalty. All thinking people know that the scales of justice are not balanced. We know that rich people with expensive lawyers, even when convicted, rarely are sentenced to death while the poor man with a Public Defender is much more likely to get the ultimate sentence. The black man, statistically, receives a longer or ultimate sentence then the white man. That’s the way this country is, has always been and with a lot of work and dedication doesn’t have to be in the future. But that’s a whole other story that my friend Tom Robinson can address with more knowledge and skill than I possess. Back to Aileen Wuornos.
Aileen was a woman who was severely abused, physically and sexually, enough for a lifetime. In fact it was a lifetime. The fact that she didn’t have more personalities than Sybil is a miracle but may also be undetermined. I was once told by a very reliable source that to get some idea of the physical and emotional pain of sexual abuse is best described to someone who is ticklish. Imagine you are being tickled. Imagine it’s gone on a long time and you are tired of laughing, your stomach is beginning to hurt. But you are still being tickled. You squirm to get away but you can’t. By this time your tickler, or torturer if you will, is holding you down and continues to tickle you. You are in pain, your are past anger you’re even past panic, yet the tickling doesn’t cease. Now multiply this horrific situation by 10,000. How does it feel? It can drive you out of your mind right? Now, picture going through your childhood and young adulthood ALL the time. You don’t know when it’s going to happen but you know it will happen again and again and again. I can go on with these descriptions. It is all fascinating in a horrible kind of way and can easily be looked up on Wikipedia. Not having the opportunity to obtain skills to support herself Aileen turned to prostitution which was just a part of the natural process of her life. She was homeless, desperate, abused by her ‘johns’ She graduated to another level of criminal and began, frequently with the aid of a friend, to rob and murder the men she was serving. She was apprehended, tried and found to be Borderline Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder and clearly delusional as she admitted to objects in her head crushing her brain. I still strongly believe in the possibly of a Multiple Personality Disorder but can find nothing in my research to back that up. After admitting to six murders she was sentence to six death penalties. Six!!!! I’m guessing that after the third one she was dead and they cremated her. I don’t even want to think about who got the other five. Jeb Bush ordered Aileen to be granted three fifteen minute sessions with three different Psychiatrists. They all found her mentally fit to be executed. They must have been really bad doctors or perhaps no one told them about a century of research concluding that there is a physical and biological difference between those who have Mental Illness and those who do not.
Written July 25 & 26 2012

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